God I hate the empty days when nothing but fear, anxiety and a sense of doom fill my being. The troll-mind kicks in, relishing the sense of dis-ease within the self. All the old bugaboo thoughts of defeat and negativity seem to appear with renewed vigor and energy crowding out my mind, so nothing but bleakness is all around. I don’t want to face the day. I want to curl up under my duvet.
I ask myself all the usual questions:
–Why am I feeling like this?
-What did I do wrong?
-Has a Higher Power abandoned me for some unaware evil act on my part? (a bit of the Catholic upbringing here)
I do a mental checklist of routines and practices I apply in my day to keep my spirit alive and robust…
Oh, I Forgot….
Then I remember. I am a human being and that the sun still shines even on a cloudy day. I don’t have all the answers, and Nirvana is not absolute. Some days, some weeks and even some months can be barren and disconnected. There does not have to be a reason. The real issue is my attitude to feeling out of sorts. For some reason, a part of me expects to feel excellent and sublime all the time! And when I don’t, there must be something wrong.
As Scott Peck wrote in his book The Road Less Travelled..
”Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult.”
So I choose to embrace feeling discombobulated. I accept it as part of me as I do when I feel happy. Life on life’s terms means feeling all aspects of being human, including the lows. Today I thank God I feel disconnected. I feel this BECAUSE I’M ALIVE. I am no longer trying to escape myself – I do this by embracing and giving thanks for how I feel right now. My old friend Gratitude adds salve to the dis-ease within. Today I choose to hold my light up high even when the darkness blinds me. I choose to trust that the sun is still shining bright on this internally cloudy day, and in a while, I might bathe in its rays.
Why It’s Important To Take Responsibility
Taking responsibility for one’s owns feelings and thoughts is not easy, especially when we live in such a prolific ‘blame culture’ ‘he said this’, ‘she did that’, ‘if it wasn’t for this’, ‘if my upbringing was better’. On and on the blame road goes, but what does it achieve? Nothing, Zero. All blame does is exonerate ourselves from all responsibility – and in doing this, it condemns us to stay the same, feel and think the same – in other words blaming someone or something keeps us slaves to a dis-eased self.
I know it’s hard to take responsibility, as it means surrendering our pride, ego and ace card. But crying for the moon does nothing but waste our precious time on this planet. Nobody else will fix us! When we feel glum or ill at ease, our old tendencies resurface to blame and play the victim. While these aspects may offer some instant relief, they are the quicksand of unhappiness and will drag us down a never-ending spiral of negativity.
“All blame is a waste of time…” Wayne Dyer
When we take responsibility for how we feel and our lives in general, we empower and free ourselves. This process of letting go of the victim-stance and the blame-defense is eased with the help of God, a higher power, Buddha or spirit of the universe. Combining asking the universe for help, and focusing our minds on gratitude in the moment, is a sure-fire way to step out of the problem and into the solution.
So start taking baby steps towards inner freedom with simple things like a sincere request for help to the universe and a daily gratitude list.